Your Seat Cushion May Be Used as a Flotation Device

I’m going to tell you a secret.  A super secret that is going to change the way you think for the rest of your life.  Ready?  Here it is….

There is nothing wrong with your butt.

No, I’m not kidding.  That really is the secret.  The problem is that so many of us know, intellectually, that there is nothing wrong with our butt, BUT (pun intended) emotionally, we have a major complex about our big ass bumping into tables (& men’s faces) or our super skinny flat ass that looks like a pancake.  I’m telling you right now, there is nothing wrong with your butt.

Let me explain this using a more scientific approach (I can do that because I’m a physicist) and take a look at this from both sides of the spectrum.

The Big Ass

Men around the world love it.  Yep.  They love it.  I’ve done extensive research on this particular fact and have realized that although the media portray men and woman speaking about ass like this…

Self-Conscious Lady: Do these jeans make my ass look fat?
Confused Man: Uh, you mean those jeans?
Sadly Insecure Lady: Yes, dumb ass.  The ones I’m wearing.
Trapped Man (hesitantly): You look just fine in those jeans.
Angry Lady: You mean my ass doesn’t look fine in my other jeans?!  Well you can forget about ‘getting some ass’ from me tonight!
Resigned Man (under his breath): Damn it, I wanted that ass.

The SHOCKING truth is that a lot of men wander around hoping and praying that a big butt will come their way and say hello. It’s not that they don’t want to talk to you at all, they just know they’ve hit the jackpot if you’ve got a personality and a big bootay.

For most of my life, I would look at my ass in the mirror and squeeze in the sides, hoping to make it get just a little bit smaller.  But finally, I started to hear what every boyfriend/lover/fiance I’d ever had was trying to tell me.  Our conversations about ass went more like this…

Self-Conscious Lady (accidentally seeing her ass in the mirror): Sigh.
Confused Man: What’s the matter?  And don’t say “nothing” because that’s the tenth time you’ve sighed tonight.
Sadly Insecure Lady: I just wish I’d worn something less revealing.  My butt looks too big in this outfit. I’m just uncomfortable.
Comforting Man: What?!  Your ass looks HOT in those jeans.  I can’t wait to take you home and get a piece of it.
Surprised & Sexy Lady: Really? I always thought my ass was too big.
Excited Man: I love your big ass.  And I think it’s about time I proved it.  Come here.
(The rest of the story has been deleted due to the R rated content 🙂

And as a cherry on top, there’s a new trend in Hollywood where some actresses are having ass implants.  Yes, they are having cosmetic surgery to INCREASE the size of their butt.  Mostly, this should tell you that all Hollywood trends are a big load of BS and deserve to be ignored. It doesn’t matter if the trend is skinny jeans OR big asses.  However, what is important is that the world is finally coming to their senses about big butts.  Don’t stay in the closet with yours.

As Sir Mix Alot put it so eloquently, ”Stick it out, even white boys got to shout, baby got back!”

“I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung”

But what about the flip side? (HA! that whole sentence was a pun.)

The Skinny Ass

Although I don’t have as much personal experience with having a skinny butt, I have many friends who do.  Every one of them has an ass worth looking at!  I’ve seen men stop, pull down their sunglasses, and stare at my skinny assed friends as they walk by.

My girls told me that their secret to having a super sexy skinny ass is The Sway.  They let their hips sway from side to side as they walk. This creates an amazingly hypnotic motion that is perfectly balanced by the subtle curves of a skinny butt.  And it’s almost impossible not to look at it.  Try it.

1.  Turn on some sensual tunes like “Do I Move You” by Nina Simone (shit, anything from Nina would work!).
2.  Stand 3 or 4 steps back in front of a mirror and slowly walk toward it.
3.  Let your lower hips swing and sway from side to side.
4.  When you get to the mirror, turn around slowly and look over your shoulder.
5.  Walk back to where you started

I dare you to NOT watch the Swaying movement of your skinny ass.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing!

But personally, I think that if you really don’t believe in the power of a skinny butt, then you need to get your ass to the beach.  Throw on your swimsuit and wander around the surf and sand.  At the beach, the skinny butts win the day.  They look GOOD riding on bicycles along the boardwalk.  They look GOOD bouncing and running along the crashing waves.  Skinny butts look REALLY GOOD in bikini bottoms whether they are side ties, tankinis, or just a regular low cut two piece suit.

Why else do you think men go to the beach? Okay, yes. They want to surf or play volleyball.  But when they are done playing, they hang around to watch your skinny ass walk by.   My advice is to throw on your side tie bikini, get an ice cream cone (men have a very serious oral fixation), and start wandering the beach. Sway with the rhythm of the crashing ocean waves and you’ll soon realize that both you AND your ass look sexy as hell!

And if after all that, you still aren’t convinced that, there is nothing wrong with your ass consider this…
Dance, Dance, Drop Your Pants!