Going to Therapy and up Chucking the rules
I was reading an article from my sweet friend Poleskivvies about how posting videos to Youtube has made her suddenly body conscious and feeling the need for therapy. And I felt compelled to plunk my big ass down on the therapy couch right next to her.
Jennifer says…
“God, how I hate telling you this.
Why?
Because it’s a body image thing. And I’m supposed to be over that. I’m supposed to be all confident in how I look and never have a weak moment about it. Yea, right.”
Now, you all know how much I love my ass. I talk about it all the time. How it used to be bigger, and now it’s a bit smaller, but still rather curvy. And I freaking love how it makes me feel like a real woman. Sometimes I even wax poetic about it (although I usually keep most of my ass poems to myself). But I want to share how I feel about my ass (and my body) when I make a video. The process goes something like this…
[before making the video]
Yeah! I’m going to make a video tonight. I’m so excited. I’ve got my camera and lighting set up. And a new playlist to help me fly around that pole. Ready, Set, Go!
[while making the video]
I’m dancing and I don’t care if there’s a camera over there. Fuck that camera. I don’t have to post this. This is for me.
[after making the video]
ooh, that felt so awesome. I can’t wait to watch it. I want to watch it NOW.
[2 seconds after starting to watch the video]
Jeez. Why didn’t somebody tell me that I suck. I mean, seriously, look at my butt. How many freaking biscuits did I have to eat over the holidays to make my ass look so damn huge. And that invert was awful. Dammit. I knew I wasn’t doing enough ab work lately. I hate my abs! They look so mushy. ugh. I can’t post this shit. Forget it. I’m never making another video again.
At this point in the process, I pretty much hate everything I see
I usually roll my eyes, stand up from my desk in a huff, and go take a shower to calm me down and clean off the sweat from (what I thought before I saw the video) was a great pole session.
And then epiphany, self realization, I kill the Buddha
After the shower, I realize that I just spent 2 hours dancing, flying, twirling, and whirling. That it felt pretty damn good to challenge myself. That I love being creative, even if it means messing up an old trick because I’m trying to do something new. And that I’m definitely going to do all that awesome shit again, because I’m totally fucking addicted to playing on a 9 foot tall metal pole. This is when I watch the video a second time.
[after the epiphany]
Hey, I love the way I transitioned from that new spin into an invert. I want to practice smoothing that out. Hmm, I might want to add some more lat and shoulder strengthening moves into my workout to help me accomplish that move. Damn I love how legwarmers make my thighs look thinner. Ooh, I got a bit racy at the end when I took my tank top off. I’d rather cut that part and keep it in the private vault.
A bunch of learning happens
Not everything makes it to the videos I post. In fact, I have (literally) years worth of video that will never, ever, see the light of a computer monitor because I feel self conscious about my body. But I love the immediate feedback I get when I watch these videos. I can use these videos to fix things, discover new movements, and decide how to keep moving my pole dancing practice forward.
But I still have doubts and fears. Doubts I don’t always talk about, fears I don’t always show.
Society says I’m “supposed” to be a strong woman and maintain a positive body image at all times. But can I really trust such a conflicting message from a society where a supermodel can be fired by Ralph Loren because she isn’t a size 0 and doesn’t fit into their clothes anymore? Where almost every picture, ad, and poster of a woman we see is colorized, fixed, slimmed, and retouched?
The more playful I become in my pole dancing (and my life) the more I realize that every “should,” every “supposed to,” every “rule” society lays on me is total crap. I’ve lately decided to start testing all these “rules,” sometimes tentatively, sometimes ruthlessly. I keep the ones that fit around my womanly curves and chuck the ones that don’t.
Rules I’m Chucking
- I have to make myself beautiful everyday, all day long CHUCKED for (Every woman is beautiful and has the right to look like a Raggedy Ann doll if the situation or her sleep schedule calls for it)
- I have to be a strong, successful, business woman that kicks ass all day long CHUCKED for (Many woman feel the strongest when they recognize & celebrate what some people might define as weaknesses including wanting to be a mother who takes care of a couple of kiddies instead of kicking ass at work. I certainly do.)
- I must prove that I’m as good as any man CHUCKED for (No woman has to play a man’s game to be phenomenal. She doesn’t have to prove her womanhood because she already has the cookie. No baking required)
So, if you’d like to play along, and chuck a few of society’s rules too, then please join Poleskivvies and me on the Therapy Couch by dancing around on video (or maybe just in your living room) and testing your boundaries…
Because, as Jennifer puts it “Feeling ugly is just too damn exhausting.”
To which I’d like to add “Fuck Yeah!”
Twirl, Swirl, and Fly!
15 Comments
Martina
LOVE this post. My favorite. My first reaction: “IS she crazy? Such a hot body and she has low body image moments? Are you for real?” I have to say, I lOVE your body shape, what a great ass! I have those thoughts every time I watch a video of yours lol and I am straight! Imagine what men feel…… Isn’t life ironic? I videotaped myself few times and has exactly the same thought process as you described in the article. I went from “what the fuck was I thinking” to “not bad, look at that smile, that was GOOD, let’s do it one more time”. What videotaping helped me with is becoming aware of how I look, accepting what I cannot change and realizing how much potential I have and that there is room for change. I focused more on how I move, breath, talk and act instead of being fixated on my looks. This helped me to be more in peace and in charge of my emotions. Those moments of low self esteem remind me of a an untamed bull. That’s all they are. Nothing more. Ride the bull ladies! And have fun with it 🙂
Yannori
@Martina – Oooh, I love the idea of riding the bull! It creates such powerful imagery of the delicate balance between creativity, pure emotion, and peace. I love it!
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Jennifer
I LOVE YOU!!! I am so glad I’m not the only one who goes through this – and if you, with your fucking AWESOME dancing and sexiness goes through it, then it must be all of us – and all in our heads. You are gorgeous!
I sign up to chuck the rules, too! And I’m forwarding this post to EVERYONE I know!
@Martina – I want to ride the bull, too! 🙂
Yannori
@Jennifer – Honey, let’s just say we share a girl crush then, because the feeling is mutual. xoxo
Mary
LOVE this post! 🙂
Yannori
@Mary – thanks! and I love your singing frog 😉
svarri
This is a great post :), It’s really worth saving the energy you waste on hating yourself and using it for things you love – I need to do it more!
Those rules definitly need chucking.
Yannori
@svarri – thanks! BTW, look into “active stretching” for increasing flexibility in the splits. It made a big difference for me, so maybe it can help you too. Good luck!
Fleur
Love the post on poleskivvies and love this one too! Rock on sister 🙂
Yannori
@Fleur – I’m so glad you share my sentiments. And keep winning those contests, beautiful!
Diane Whiddon
This is fabulous. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who goes through this crap. My favorite line is “…That I love being creative, even if it means messing up an old trick because I’m trying to do something new.” THANK YOU. It’s so completely okay to screw up a move. If we don’t screw up, then it means that we’re not pushing ourselves and I’m so damn tired of trying to be perfect all the time, not to mention hide from the world the fact that I have (shhh!) cellulite. I’m so tired of hating my body and holding myself to unattainable standards. Right now, I’m trying to simply choose to be good enough.
svarri
Thanks for that! I do some active stretches (without knowing what the were before I looked it up). I shall have to look others up =)
DJ LIBRE
Loved this post and I’m a guy! No not gay (lol)
Anything that makes me look at myself is good, be it a mirror, a camera or my art…
Because it gives me the chance to kick out those misconceptions I carry around and discover who i really am
and girls, men love confidence too… confidence is carried in the way you move, dance, talk, smile, touch, think… not the shape of your body
Yannori
I’m glad to see men speaking up and enjoying pole dancing as art. Thank you!