Cross My Heart or Suck My B*lls

I’ve been thinking a lot about The Rules lately.  You know, The Rules that “help” you decide what’s right and wrong.  The Rules that “explain” how you have to do this, or buy that, to ever have a chance to be beautiful, sexy, healthy, successful, or just plain average.  The Rules that say you’ve got to listen to all the “experts,” go to college, and become a mindless drone in some big huge corporation that thinks your name is j88456.

God forbid you want to have a good time in your 20’s.  And forget fun in your 30’s or 40’s because your fucking 401k isn’t big enough yet.  So just settle down, put your nose to the grindstone and look forward to retirement.  Um, yeah.  FUCK THAT!

Am I a hypocrite for telling you NOT to do EXACTLY what I did (except I’m not in my 40’s)?

Nope. Because I’ve decided that I’m not going to lay down and die (metaphorically speaking).

I’ve decided that I’M NOT DONE YET.

I’m not going to give up on my dreams even if they are just the insane delusions of a physicist slash poledancer slash writer who got stuck in a lab without windows for too long and refuses to drink the public KoolAide.

I left my last job because, when I stepped into the office everyday, I saw the walking dead.  Literally, zombies and brain eaters everywhere.  And I was well on my way to Zombie stardom…with overwork, daily headaches, wacky dizzyness, and general sadness whenever I typed my name (ex: j88456) into my login prompt.  I didn’t want to be a victim or a Zombie leader.   So I went a little nuts in an over strained economy and just quit.

I quit to save my life.

I quit to save my health.  I quit because I was too dehydrated to cry anymore. And it worked… sortof.

I mean I got back my life, I got back my health, and my face stopped looking like a pinkish prune with brown eyed spots.  But once I was alive again, I didn’t know what the hell to do with myself.  I’d spent over 30 years building up an identity as the Kick Ass Physicist with accompanying bachelors degrees, master’s degree, ridiculously long resume, hot red Audi, and sexy business suits.   I’d been playing my role to a T and had everybody fooled.  But I realized that every time I got close to finishing the picture of me as the “Kick Ass Physicist,” I’d fuck it up. And when I finally quit the “perfect” job I asked myself… “what the hell is wrong with me?”

Woman are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness. ~Marie de Vichy

I was afraid of breaking The Rules.

I was afraid of doing all the things that society told me weren’t safe for a woman like me.  Seriously, ask yourself if you’d be willing to quit your job, with no security net, no new job to go to, and no outside financial support.

I was totally crazy, right?  Maybe.

Maybe I still am.

Because while I stood outside of the daily 9 to 5 grind I discovered that I had all these hidden passions.  I had dreams and opinions and I cared about doing shit that I had buried in a hole inside my mind when I was 12 years old.

And now, I’m still afraid.  I’m afraid that I will wimp out without doing all the amazing things I’ve got floating around in my head.  I’m afraid I’ll give in to the comforts of a recently acquired steady paycheck instead of creating and sharing my ideas about sensuality, authenticity, purpose and passion with everyone who will listen.  I’m afraid to die with my music still in me.

But my fear is giving me the ability to fight.

It’s making me stronger and more resourceful than I’d ever imagined I could be.  Because I’m the one who has to make things happen– meaning that without me, my dreams won’t come true. I’m the one that has to put in the work, write that story, create that video, teach that class, learn about running an online business & a million other things I didn’t even know existed…and still stay true to my heart, my passions, my purpose.

So today, I’d like to kindly thank The Rules for getting me here…

And then tell them to FUCK OFF or Suck my big sparkly red (nonexistent) Balls!

Because The Rules aren’t needed anymore.  I don’t need limiting beliefs.  I don’t need social conventions.  I don’t need tribal knowledge. As of this moment, I am letting go of everything that doesn’t help me on the path to my dreams.  I don’t care how many obstacles are in my way as long as I learn from them.

And I reserve the right to change my dreams whenever the hell I feel like it as long as I’m still working with passion toward goals that mean something to me. Because I’m pretty sure I don’t know everything there is to know right now but I aspire to be as flexible in my mind as Gumby is bendy.

So if you’ve got any problems with pole dancing, exotic dancing, erotic writing, swearing like a trucker, sex and sensual living, then this blog probably isn’t for you.  On the other hand, if you like all that stuff and you enjoy the occasional rant from a writer turned physicist turned pole dancer turned writer again then I’m so very glad you are here.  I’ve got a bunch of wonderful ideas and I need your help.

Please tell me what you’d like to read about on ExpressTheSensual.  Tell me your stories (in private or in public).  Or just send me a reminder that I made you a promise.

I promise that I will transform my weaknesses and fears into some seriously awesome fun stuff specifically for your enjoyment…

…Like ebooks about living sensually…

…more pole/exotic dance video classes…

…and naughty erotic short stories for cold nights by the fire…

As well as sharing QandAs, HowTos, and any other sexy goodness I learn/find along the way.

I’ve got a lot of work to do, so it’s guess it’s time for me to get my big ass busy. XOXOX