How to Give a Lapdance without Beheading Your Partner PT1

Okay, it’s time for me to make a confession.  I LOVE giving a lapdance to a deserving guy.  But, I used to have a terrible time finding anyone who was willing to volunteer for the role of lap. Seriously, I couldn’t get a man to smile at me, let alone ask me out for coffee.   I would wander around looking at all the happy couples cooing and cuddling with each other and feel isolated, rejected, and confused.

I constantly questioned why I was always alone. And usually ended up blaming some random body part.  ‘Oh my butt is too big’ (it’s not). Oh my hips are too wide’ (they aren’t). ‘Oh my toes are too stubbly.’ (I was pretty upset by the time I got to my toes 🙁

What I didn’t recognize was that somewhere along the way, I had started taking dating advice from Red Sonja.

In case you didn’t grow up in the early 1980’s, Red Sonja is this KickAss swordswoman who has to save the world from an evil Queen and her all-powerful talisman.  And, to make matters worse, she’s got horrible script dialog and Arnold Schwarzenegger as a sidekick. (they call him Kalidor in the movie, but Arnold really only knows how to play the part of Arnold) So, to ensure that she doesn’t give away her cookie to any old Warrior King, Red Sonja vows that she’ll never give herself to a man unless he can beat her in a fair fight.

I thought this made perfect sense.  If I followed this rule, then any guy I’m willing to date has got to be at least as strong, smart, funny, healthy, successful, etc as me.  If he passes the test and proves all that, then I can be sure he’s worth a little lap bump and booty grind.  Right?

WRONG!

Testing men and treating then like an opponent was ruining both Sonja’s and my love life.  And totally screwing up my chances of ever practicing my blossoming exotic dance skills on a real live man.  I was beheading every potential lapdance partner before he even got a chance to sit down. (pun intended for all you adults out there)

Here’s Sonja and my problem stated, oh so eloquently, by the big brute with the bulging biceps after he learns of Sonja’s vow;

“So, the only man that can have you, is one who is trying to kill you. Hmm, that’s logic.” – Kalidor the Warrior King

Yes, ladies.  That’s sarcasm from the Governor of California.  Surprise!

If we assume an aggressive stance to dating, relationships, and lapdancing, then the only men we’ll having in our chairs will be overbearing, controlling assholes. (And personally, I prefer to avoid the jerks and power hounds whenever possible) Plus, if a nice man manages to slip under the barbed wire we put around our hearts and sits into a chair hoping for a little lovin’… our defenses will automatically kick in.  He’ll probably end up feeling like has to constantly battle for our affection. (I actually had a guy call me a Vengeful Vagina once.  That did NOT go over well.)

But rejoice warrior women! Red Sonja’s co-stars have the solution!  And this is the truth ladies, because once I figured this out, I went from no dates EVER, to meeting 3 or 4 men with lapdancing potential every week. Good men. Men that I really enjoyed talking and hanging out with.  I didn’t date them all, but I made a lot of friends and my phone was buzzing like a hornet’s nest for months.

Red Sonja’s Swordmaster warns: “Hatred of men in a lovely young woman… Such could be your downfall. You must learn to like men a little better”

And Prince Tarn questions Red Sonja’s motives: “Why does she fight so hard? She doesn’t want to win.”

(I told you the script dialog was *awesome* right?)

Remember, it’s a waste of time and energy to beat men at their own game.  Screw their games.  I don’t want to play ‘who has the bigger penis’ anyway. Men aren’t the enemy! Life doesn’t have to be a Battle of the Sexes.

Once you move men out of the “opponent” category they will transform into a cherished companion. (It’s magically delicious!) It’s so much easier to smile at a man when you don’t require a battle plan first. (as long as they aren’t drooling assholes) Welcome the opportunity to be with someone who wants to share and grow with you… sensually, authentically, and joyfully. You might find that they surprise you by being caring, loving, individuals that want the same adventures in life that you do.  Including an awesome lapdance!

So, once you have him, what do you do with him?….