The Space Below Sadness

This week was hard.  This week was bad.  This week I had to face people in pain.  People that I usually share In’n’Out fries with while shouting obscenities at the 49ers.  People that I’ve been more than a little drunk-off-my-ass-and-still-got-home-safe with.  People that have made a significant impact in my life.  And now, they hurt. Their families hurt.  Their reality hurts.  Their world hurts.

And I don’t know what to do.  You see, I’m horrible at watching pain. Forget Hollywood movies and all that namby-pamby bullshit.  It’s the real deal I’m talking about here.  The kind of pain where they might have to crack open your chest to save you life.  Or do test after test just to find out if they can treat whatever unpronounceable thing that you’ve got.  And it’s really hard to watch without crying.

So, I’m lost. Wondering what can I do?  How can I help?  I’m not a doctor, or a nurse. Shit, I still check the directions when I put on a bandaid.

Instead, I did what they have done for me.  I stayed. I didn’t leave.  I showed up and watched what happened.  I didn’t pretend it wasn’t happening.  I didn’t pretend I completely understood their pain.  I didn’t pretend I knew everything was going to be okay.  Because I don’t know.

I chose to be there with them as life unfolded. As the next moment passed and the next and the next.  When they needed to talk, we talked.   When they needed silence, we had silence.   When they needed to cry, we cried.

And when they needed to be alone, I left.  But I went home to my safe house, with my safe dog, in my safe car, to watch my safe television.  And it wasn’t the same.   So, I turned to my pole dancing practice the way people turn to meditation or that first cup of tea. A ritual to calm my mind with the long accustomed movements that I’ve done a million times before.  The dance where I give my emotions extra space, extra time, extra energy.

It helped.  It gave my body a way to understand the turmoil in my mind.  My arms and legs articulated sadness with each extension.  My chest knew waves of confusion through abdominal contraction.  And finally I cried for me.

The best way for me to help them, is to live, breathe, and be who I am… with them.  To laugh with them, cry with them, watch funny zombie movies with them.  To know each moment is as precious as it is fleeting.

If you have experienced sadness in your life, whether the pain was yours or someone you care about– Give it a ritual.  Create a safe space inside yourself without judgment and find a way to let go. Use sensual dance, or a walk along the ocean, or a gentle rocking chair on the outside porch.  Show up to life, give in to life, and let go.