Stripper Wisdom, Profuse Swearing, and Lao Tzu
I swear a lot in this post and talk straight up about stripping, so if you don’t like that kind of stuff, then clickty click to google and find something more wholesome.
In case you didn’t know already, I’ve got a soft spot for real strippers. And not just because they created the rich and beautiful art form that I love (pole & exotic dance)… But also because a real stripper understands an honest days work, just like you do.
Consider exactly what a stripper does…
in corporate lingo…
A stripper provides immediate value to her customers upfront (by dancing on that huge stage FOR FREE). Then, she uses her communication skills (both verbal and non-verbal) to actually get paid for a private consultation (otherwise known as a lapdance). She has to pay 20% of her commision for the meeting room (or lap dancing booth) before she gets to use it. And another 10-15% for job security (also known as the Bouncer) before she walks out the front door to go home.
She doesn’t get a salary, health insurance, or even the promise of a job waiting for her tomorrow. And she still has to pay taxes on every penny she makes. Plus, she completes the entire transaction while exposing more skin than most of us are willing to bare at the beach on a hot summer day.
A real stripper knows that her 9pm – 3am job has the same fundamental principles as your daily grind… She just words them a little differently. (BTW, these are real tips that I learned from real strippers. I did not make them up)
Don’t Eat the Free Food in the Back
I don’t know about you, but I absolutely hate the cheap, disgusting food that most companies provides to their employees to lure them into all those boring meetings. But even worse, I often wonder if everybody washed their hands before sticking them in the communal bowl of M&Ms or “fresh” biscuits. This is a particularly sticky situation for a stripper. The smart ones bring their own lollipops or licorice ropes and never, ever, EVER eat food left out at the club. (eeewwww!)
Watch Out for Flying Shoes
Look, it happens. Newbie strippers love to wear 7 inch platform heels without an ankle strap… and sometimes, if you point your toe just right, it’ll fly off and smack somebody in the face. Sometimes it even happens accidentally on purpose (ie don’t piss off a stripper). So, just like you, strippers learn from the stupid shit their coworkers do in front of the customers and the boss… and don’t repeat those mistakes. Because when you piss off the customer, you don’t get tips. Of course, the whole club will laugh their ass off. But I promise, it seriously hurts to remove a spike heel from your forehead.
(PS – as a pole dancer you already know that you should always dance in shoes with ankle straps right? Oh good!)
Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.” ~LaoTzu
Always Tip the Bouncer
If you want to stay healthy then you need good health insurance, and you’re going to have to pay for it. The Bouncer is the closest thing a stripper has to a health plan and she knows it’s important to keep him happy. A smart stripper makes sure that the Bouncer is her BFF, so he’ll work hard to keep her safe. When you don’t tip your bouncer, you’ll still get health coverage, but it’s usually slow, inefficient, and you’ll end up having to kick someones ass with your platform shoes (see tip above).
Avoid the Two for One Discount
At least once a night, almost every strip club has a two for one special. That means if a customer buys one lapdance, he gets a second one for free. (A blue light special in the red light district?) However, what you may not realize is when a real stripper hears the DJ make this announcement, she instantly decides to take a break. She believes in her skills and knows that her expertise are valuable (just like your KICK-ASS skills as an engineer, HR manager, or soccer mom). So unless she’s got a guy who’s going to buy three or more dances and doesn’t smell like he was dipped in cheap tequila, this just isn’t worth her time.
Put On an Original Show
The fastest way to get your ass kicked by a gang of angry strippers is to steal everybody else’s pole & exotic dance tricks. Imitation is not flattery in a strip club, it’s just plain stupid. Every real stripper knows that she is one of a kind, just like you. Her regular customers show up to see her signature moves and new customers will pick her out from all the other dancers because her performance is original. She builds her business and her social interactions by the creative use of her strengths, whether they are her spinning helicopter, her ass, or her witty repartee.
When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~LaoTzu
If You Don’t Like Stripping, Get the Fuck Off the Stage
Stripping isn’t for everybody. It takes a special kind of woman to get up on a pole, dance in front of strangers, and convince them to throw money at her. It doesn’t mean she’s an exhibitionist (I’ve met plenty of strippers that are really very shy). It doesn’t mean she’s dumb (think of how much a marketing executive gets paid to network with clients using only his communication skills). And it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have dreams for her future (serious strippers work 5 days a week to pay for college or start their own business).
But, like any other successful woman, a real stripper knows that if she doesn’t enjoy at least some parts of her job, then she’ll just end up sabotaging her own success. She continuously challenges herself to improve her dancing skills, make an extra hundred bucks, or even win exotic dance competitions. And she looks damn sexy doing it!
At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” ~LaoTzu
I’m not saying we should all go out and be strippers (because this would seriously piss them off and I don’t need to be stripper whipped with a pair of red thigh high boots). I’m saying that real strippers have a wisdom of their own.
So, the next time you visit a strip club, pay your respects, and remember to tip your dancer!
